Negative Thinking

 

When a person drowns himself in negative thinking he is committing an unspeakable crime against himself.      –Maxwell Maltz

 

Think about this; the feelings of power that we get from holding a gloomy and dismal outlook deprive us of some of the most pleasant experiences of our lives. Subscribing to the thought of if I expect the worst, I won’t be disappointed is like taking a Sunday drive and focusing on the garbage in the ditch and not the beautiful landscape. If you continue to tell yourself or other people that we are all failures, there is no need to even try to accomplish something. While it’s a safe place to live, it is very limiting and very boring. If I put trust in my higher power, keep my side of the street clean, and do the next right thing, I can succeed at anything and enjoy the bounty that life has to offer.

Assertiveness

                               Knowing yourself

 

                                 To know oneself, one should assert oneself

                                                                             -Albert Camus

 

I’ve heard many definitions of the word humility but the one that sticks with me the most is; to know myself and accept myself exactly where I am at that time.

Are we here to live a comfortable and placid life? For me I’d like to say comfortable, yes placid, no. That would be way too boring! I enjoy learning new things. There is no greater reward than overcoming an obstacle with some level of tranquility. The only way that I can achieve that is to assert myself, find out where my limits are and know that there are going to be mistakes in the process. One of my proudest accomplishments this past year was to be a published author. Not too shabby for a United Steel Worker with an exquisite four letter word vocabulary. That accomplishment was part art / part science.

Those were the words of the community director of the assisted living facility that we checked mom into earlier this week. When I would ask; How do you know when……. What do you do when……. The answer came back quite often; it’s part art / part science. Every Alzheimer patient is different and every resident of that facility is different. In the process we tried to feel out what is just right and adjust accordingly.

It’s just like recovery. No two people recover exactly the same way. There are suggestions that work pretty darn good but ultimately, its part art / part science. The key is recognizing when I have been graced with the wisdom to know when to assert myself,  when to be humble know my limits and accept that exactly where I am. That’s an experience that keeps life interesting.

Are you cheating yourself of life today because of your lack of assertiveness? 

No person is more cheated than the selfish person

Think about this; When we are being selfish grabbing all of the goods or attention thinking that this is going to lead to happiness, we fail to realize that not only do we deny other people those things but we also deny them the benefit of the great feeling that comes along with sharing.

I have found that generosity and welcoming responses nourish the spirit within us. Not always easy to remember as I zoom down the parkway to try to get in front of the car in front of me. What’s the point? Am I going to trade saving myself two minutes on my commute home for an infuriated driver now tail gating me and the anxiety that lasts the rest of the way home?

What I need to remember is that all of life is fragile. Don’t take anything for granted. We need each other to have a good life and as Barbara Streisand comes into my head singing People, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. I now know why. I see a lot of those bumper stickers that want world peace but ask yourself this; Am I being generous with those that I share this planet with today?

You can see a lot by watching

Things are not always what they seem

Every closed eye is not sleeping and every open eye is not seeing said the very funny and wise man Bill Cosby. Sometimes we settle into a comfortable living and have enjoyed the benefits of right living. Complacency may set in. Sometimes we lose focus and don’t see the little cracks in our spiritual foundations. That’s assuming that we have built that foundation. Maybe little secrets that we have been harboring have deadened our spirits a tad but the seduction of looking good on the outside has kept us from addressing core issues on the inside. This can be a serious situation that needs attention.

I know for me that when my inside doesn’t match the outside I need to become vulnerable again. I need to grab a trusted friend and share honestly what’s going on with me. I know this much. I don’t want to trade the genuineness of being known and loved by my friends and family for the appearance of everything looking absolutely perfect. It’s been my experience that this is not the time to quit or to continue to feel bad inside. This is time for renewal!  Do you see what I’m talking about?

Ask yourself today am I a part of the cure or am I a part of the disease?

This attitude has helped me get through many of life's challenges. I invite you to read about one such challenge here;

http://www.amazon.com/Heading-Home-experience-tragedy-ebook/dp/B007HOXC7K/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1336342333&sr=8-2

The Gift of Change

Change and Growth as gifts?

Yes, change and growth are the gifts that I’ve received as a result of stepping outside of my comfort zone and trying something different. I can remember something as simple as not saying anything to the cashier at our local convenience store when given the wrong change because I wanted to avoid confrontation. I knew that I had received the wrong change and it was making me mad but I would justify it with I’ll be late and I need to get out of here. As I would drive away the thought of revenge in the form of a brick through the front window would come to mind but soon that craziness would pass after a few antacids.

The lesson here that I learned was that I had to let small stuff stop bothering me. Just as the saying goes don’t sweat the small stuff. What I’ve come to find out is that it’s all small stuff! I also needed to stand up for myself and it started with a quarter. As my higher power would see fit it happened again! At the same convenience store. This time the cashier had shorted me a quarter. I stopped after taking a step away from  the counter, whirled back around  and said to the guy, “I’m sorry but I believe you gave me the wrong change.” To which his response was, “no I didn’t.” I thought to myself, OK God you’re not going to make this easy huh? After explaining my case the cashier agreed that I was indeed right and gave me my quarter.

That day I gained a small amount of growth that when practiced on a regular basis allowed me to see through the incompetent service person on the phone for the cable company, phone company, mail order pharmacy, or savings institution and ask for a manager! Now that’s a gift! Only ex- knuckleheads like me stop your (insert service provider) first line of defense. Today I stand up for myself so that I don't fall for anything!

 And as for that convenience store cashier who still tries to slip me Canadian quarters I look at him and hold my offering up as a proud symbol and say, “This one is going in the MS Society can.” And out the door I go.

Surrender

Mick Jagger sang, You can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you get what you need.

 Do you embrace the blessing of total defeat? Some of you may think, “What’s to embrace? How is that a blessing?  I lost.” What is there to gain by accepting defeat? IF I surrender to a particular situation that I have no control over, I have found that the reason why is revealed in time. Not in my time but in God’s time as I understand him. It’s only at that point do I understand why something has happened and the pieces fit together like a jig saw puzzle. At that point and only at that point am I given free release from the bondage of self.

Have you ever had a bad night and said, “I need to quit ______.”   Only to say a few hours or the next day later, “well it really wasn’t that bad.” I’m befuddled by human nature’s desire to not just get beat but to be beaten to a pulp before we become willing to change. What I have found is anytime that I want something; I get exactly what I need if I surrender my will. It may not be anything close to what I was looking for but I always get what I need. That’s the blessing. Doing something that I don’t want to do and be rewarded with something completely cool from left field. Are you blessed today?

Perfectionism

Some people regard themselves as perfect, but only because they demand little of themselves.

---------- Hermann Hesse

Does anyone struggle with perfectionism? I know for me that when I got sober I needed to live right. In order to live right, I needed to do the right thing but to what level? I know that today I’m ok with the mistakes that I make in my life. Everything doesn’t have to be perfect. After all no one is perfect. The need to be perfect stems from and feeds myself centeredness. Do I really want that? I know from my experience that this will only bring me unhappiness.

There will always be the person in your life that says, “You can do better than that”.  Sometimes that will be good encouragement and other times it’s just the nagging voice of an advisor. It’s during those times that I need to stop and think, maybe ask God for help, and be reminded that the worst vice of all is ADVICE. 

With the exception of Olympic athletes can anyone justify their perfection? How’s that working out for you?

Balance

Depending on what type of balance you are looking for, Wikipedia defines the metaphysical definition of balance as; a desirable point between two or more opposite forces. If I were to take my writing and and put it on one side of the scale, the necessities of my life would be far outweighed. On one side of the scale I’m a rookie writer at the age of 50 looking to achieve something similar to Grandma Moses but in a literary sense. On the other side of the scale I am a recovering alcoholic, a father of three sons, a husband, an employee at a large chemical storage company and a son to a mom with moderate to severe Alzheimer's disease. That’s the necessary stuff. There is a lot of peripheral stuff that I can add to that side of the balance but I need to draw a line somewhere.

As you may begin to see, there really is no desirable point between the opposite forces in my life if you look at the necessities versus writing but if I take the things that I need most and divide them by six. I can give an equal amount of time to each one. Maybe not an equal amount but compartmentalize each component and address each responsibility as needed.

The most important part for me is this recovery business. Without that I can’t be any of the other titles that I listed. I learned that important lesson almost 25 years ago. The spiritual values are what gives me that desirable point between two or more desirable forces. When I maintain that balance, then and only then, can I have the emotional balance to not only put things in my life but also be able to handle life on life’s terms. I attribute those spiritual values in helping our family get through one of “life’s” most difficult moments when we buried my oldest son after a valiant fight with leukemia.

Being a responsible productive member of my family is paramount to my writing. It has a track record of providing the material things needed to sustain my family’s life. I don’t want to mislead anyone here but my writing has not made a mountain of cash yet. I would love to write for a living. I had the second most successful book signing by a local author at our little local bookstore here in Manasquan NJ. I consider that a huge success because I was second to Mary Higgins Clark. Not too shabby for a rookie author who may not have literary balance but has some figuratively.

http://www.wix.com/velomannj/matthayduk/page-0

Info update

Now that I have more stuff set up here is what I've been working on since January. This is my web site with links to my Amazon author page, Kindle and soft cover book page and a place to sign up for updates via email and Facebook.

http://www.wix.com/velomannj/matthayduk/page-0

Welcome to my garden

    This picture was taken about a month before my doctor discovered that I had a meningioma, (brain tumor). This is just the latest "news" that my higher power had laid on me in my 24th year of sobriety. Thankfully, I know that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in this world by mistake. I've been writing a book for the past four years about the loss of my son Matty after a valiant fight with leukemia and the grief that follows. I've always said that, "Someday, I'm going to get that book done." But life as I know it gets in the way. Full time job as a heavy equipment operator, two kids in high school, and a very busy wife, keep me busy! Well the time has presented itself.
    At first, right after surgery, my brain was mush. I mean my thinking was really mush. You don't realize it until it happens to you but the brain is very, very important. Maybe I just always took it for granted but did you know how important our brains are? It controls EVERYTHING! The nice thing is that the area where they cut out brain tissue and blood vessels to get rid of the tumor has allowed me to be able to communicate with people in this format. It's taken three months to get to this point but the doc says I should be back to my old self in about a year to a year and a half. In my mind, before surgery, I thought, six to eight weeks and I'll be back to work! I really don't know what I was thinking. I never finished my PHD. Heck, I never finished my second year of college but the parties sure were fun.
    Anyway, this is my garden that I hope to get back to in the spring as well as my bike riding and the rest that life has to offer. Are you taking time to smell the roses?

Welcome to my meeting on line. I'd like to introduce myself, I'm an alcoholic and my name is Matt. I introduce myself as an alkie first because if that problem is not addressed first than I can't be a husband, a father, an employee, a son, a friend, and an example of a responsible, productive member of society amongst other things. The topic for this weeks conversation is/are introductions. Who are you? Where are you? I'm in NJ. After that, then we can get to the stories.